10 Rules for Thanksgiving Dinner at my house

My sister actually bought this and read it aloud before dinner. Needless to say it was hilarious. I even recorded her reading it, and I would have put the video on youtube to put on here, but the dame video is too big, so you just have to read them.

AND you know...even though she read the damn rules before dinner, do you know damn near all my relatives STILL didn't take the hint? Next time they take all the damn ham from my house, they gonna leave with a shank in their side.

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!

4. Their is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not are that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for someone who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be one kid-parent role call, your child will be put outside until you come get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11:00pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate.. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS.

*note from the blogger* I want to add:

11. The person holding the dinner at their house has been cooking and cleaning for days to entertain and feed your greedy asses. Please be considerate and leave them some food. There is no reason I should go into my kitchen only to find that I don't have a drop of ham or turkey left. And no, you can't have the damn turkey bone, you already took the rest of the turkey.

Remember this?

Waiting to Exhale, the movie based on the novel by Terry McMillan.

It's amazing how watching a movie through twelve year old eyes and then twenty-three year old eyes can make SUCH a difference. When I first saw it way back when, I felt bad for all of the women in the movie and was like I hope that isn't me ever.

Fast forward to...last Wednesday night when it happened to come on tv. I watched this movie and found myself PISSED at all of the women...but a bit less pissed than Gloria because at least she had more class than the rest of her friends.

My beef is...if a man is a dog, why the hell are you still chasing him? And if you can't hold onto him, obviously either 1) you aren't the woman for him 2) he REALLY isn't trying to settle down 3) he's just amusing himself with you until the person he REALLY wants to be with comes around 4) all of the above.

Ladies, I know it's a tough world out there. But what has come of some people, men and women, that will settle for the bullshit because they're scared of being alone or they feel they don't deserve better or what have you. What REALLY irked me was all of those heffas kept dealing with poonhounds or married men (or both in all cases) and still didn't end up with a man and wondered the hell why. At least Gloria didn't fall for the okeydoke, and what happened? She met herself a GENUINE man. Applaud.

Sadly, a majority of people go through this, and they sit and complain and wonder why their life is going the way it is. Don't ask me why, cause I really will tell you, short sweet and straight to the point.

But I'm at the point where I keep my mouth closed. Hell, if you keep making the same mistakes 10 times over, hell, you deserve what you can. But I can't teach anyone how to be grown and dammit, I have my own life so I won't start now.